Jots and Tittles

Howsabout I just give up now.  Seriously.  I was up until 7 AM yesterday (and this morning) in order to get that 10-page monstrosity done, and I have another 10-page monstrosity due tomorrow at noon.  That I've only sort of finished researching.  I drove around campus for a good twenty minutes trying to find a place to park so I could run upstairs and "hurl" said ten-page monstrosity under the teacher's door (as her white board so cleverly put it), and then, because my poor legs have done nothing but sit there since about Friday, I actually couldn't walk down the stairs.  Every step was painful.  Can we say, lactic acidosis?  And I wasn't even drinking alcohol...  I have no motivation to work on this next paper, Troy thinks I'm going to get a normal amount of sleep tonight (poor, deluded boy...), and all I want to do is curl up in a ball in the corner and cry until it all goes away.  And, to top it all off, Aspen ate my chocolate!  That thrice-damned little dog ATE MY CHOCOLATE.  The chocolate that Troy brought me, the expensive kind.  :'(  I didn't even get to try the orange dark chocolate kind.  How that stupid dog managed to eat a bar of dark chocolate and somehow suffer no ill effects flabbergasts me. *glares at Aspen* I swear, if that dog dies from chocolate poisoning, I'll be friggen HAPPY.  Serves her right.

Okay, redeeming features.  Troy is the dearest person in the whole world - he stayed with me all night while I worked, even if he did doze off now and again, it was SO nice to know that I wasn't alone.  Funny thing about being up at 3 in the morning - nobody else is.  I kind of start to freak myself out, especially if I want to sleep instead of do whatever I'm doing.  Also, when I went to go turn in my paper, I ran into Gollapudi, and she gave me my final paper back, graded and all - 92.  So that's good, I won't worry about the Monk paper.  Sweet.  Also also, I have less than 24 hours before it's all over, for better or for worse, and that's not really so long even if I do have to be awake for all 22 1/2 of them.  After that, I can sleep.  Yes. Sleep.  I'm starting to forget what that is.  Looks like I'll be doing polyphasic sleep for a while, whether I like it or not, and whether I mean to or not. 

-Jaya-

But for the sake of all that's holy, WHY in the WORLD would you want to finish the semester with such a freakishly depressing book?  What the hell is this book, anyway?  Jude the Obscure is quite possibly the most depressing book in all of Victorian literature.  And it SUCKS. Honestly.  What, they don't get married just because there is some stupid rumor that their family is cursed in marriage?  It's superstition! It's a bunch of bullshit!  WHO CARES? Just freaking get married and then you wouldn't have to hide the fact that you ACT like you're married, and then you wouldn't get kicked out of every town you went to when they found out, and then little Jude wouldn't have hung himself and his siblings, and then your relationship wouldn't have fallen apart and this book wouldn't have been so damn depressing.  Why the hell are you afraid of sex when it's within wedlock, but out of wedlock it's fine?  What difference does it make, except that one will let you live in peace and one will haunt you forever. Honestly, some people cling so stubbornly to the stupidest things even when it tears their lives apart, and constantly push God away, and then wonder why their lives suck.  Well, gee, let me guess.  Maybe it's because you refused to do ANYTHING that would make your life easier!  Sheesh!  If you're going to fight, at least fight against something that matter, instead of marriage, like you're actually going to change anything.  And Jude is NOT a Job figure because Job was a pious man who obeyed God's law and Jude flaunted his disobedience.  LAME.

And maybe I'd just be annoyed with the book except I showed up for this crap.  I could be at home, writing my paper and eating dinner and doing things that actually MATTER instead of discussing a craptastic, depressing, stupid book that only serves to piss me off.  Why am I sitting here? Why am I paying for this?  What the hell!  I want to go home and eat something other than three Reese's Pieces for dinner, and relax a little before I have to go sit through a reading that I don't want to even think about, let alone attend.  And I'm going to have to leave from that early because I'm going to the Source tonight.  It's the last Source of the year (and possibly the last Source ever, depending on how things change for next year... but that is a subject for another post altogether), and I'm not going to miss it.  I'm not.  Nope. 

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh, I'm just so frustrated with this!  This book probably wouldn't be so loathsome if it weren't the end of the semester, and I might welcome the break if it wasn't for this thrice-damned book.  But the two of them together have managed to do something I never would have expected: I'm pissed.

I'm pissed off that I have to sit through this (not only that, but I have to pay for the privilege!), that I am expected to be grateful to be exposed to such idiocy, that I have to listen to people talk about this book as though it was worth discussing.  I'm pissed off that I am wasting my time here when I have ten thousand better things I could be doing with my time.  I'm pissed off because I have so many papers to write and I can't focus on anything right now because I'm too busy fuming about this book.  I'm pissed off that I have to go to readings for Creative Writing, specifically that I have to give up my precious time this evening between this class and the Source to suffer through another depressing and "modern" story, as if it would somehow help me learn to write if I would fall asleep listening to someone else read their writing.  I'm pissed off that I was so stupid as to save everything until this week even though I KNEW I would have a lot of work to do.  I'm pissed off that I can't spend time with my friends because I'm too busy doing school.  I'm pissed off that school is taking over my entire life, even if it is just for two more weeks, as if that was how the world really operated.  And I'm pissed off that all of this pisses me off, because it shouldn't.  I should be able to just let it roll off my back.  I should be able to rise above it and just plow through, deal with it, and move on.

But, dammit, NO.  I'm only human and I have every right to be pissed off right now, or at least feeling some emotion even if it is the wrong one.  If there is such a thing as the wrong one.  Whatever. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggh.

My Heavenly Father:

I am lost.  I know you are good, I have not stopped believing that for a minute.  But right now, God, this kind of sucks.  And I just want it to be over, and at the same time I am truly terrified of change.  I'm even afraid of what's going to become of me this summer because while I can continue working for Rosie, I have to come up with at least something else part time.  And I don't want to kill myself with work, but I'd like to at least break even for once at the end of the summer.  And God, I'm so tired.  I just don't want to do it anymore.  I want to give up, I want to curl up in your arms and rest for a thousand years, but you and I both know that I won't because I can't give up.  So I'll run myself into the ground until all at once I realize that it's not quite so stressful any more and I can breathe again.  But now I'm giving this whole mess back to you, because if I keep trying to deal with this on my own I'll break, shatter into a billion pieces over everyone else and it'll be an even bigger mess.  And when I try to take it back, God, don't let me.  I don't really want it back even when I think I do.

Thank you for loving me and putting up with my silliness.  I don't understand it, but I am SO glad that I have it. 

Love,
Brittany

My grandpa always says, you can wade through shit up to your neck for a really long time, and even up to your eyeballs for as long as you can hold your breath.  It's time to take a deep breath and see how long it'll hold.

-Jaya-

So I'm sitting in class, listening to people do critiques of stories... most of the things people are saying I don't agree with.  I thought this particular story was much better when it was paranormal, but that made it genre (though she said we could do magical realism) so the poor guy had to rewrite it.  It's not as good this time around but I still enjoyed it.

But seriously, why am I sitting here?  Do you have ANY idea how much I have to get done before 3 pm tomorrow?  I've still not finished doing the research for that presentation and I have to talk for ten minutes about it tomorrow.  About Rudyard Kipling, and how his changes in perspective before, during and after the war.  Like I even care (though, I do still love the Just-So Stories.  His tone is just  great piles of fun). 

Gah, and Judy, no!  This is a sweet story and there is NO reason to ruin it by making the main characters have random sex just because they were visited by a ghost.  What the crap.  That is completely ridiculous.  You don't need a sex scene in every freaking story!  BOO.

I guess I could be working on it right now but half of my attention has to be taken up by this workshop so if I get called on I can spout out some BS for Peter to write down.  Besides, I'm more likely to get something out of a catnap (not that I'll do that, either, but I would) than trying to do homework.

Maybe I'll do a poll, just because I've never done one before.  So... what shall I ask?  Hmmm... *devious smile*

I can guess what some of your answers will be, but it'll be interesting to see what the rest of you think.  Have fun with that!

-Jaya-

So I went in to Brinks's office hours today, thinking I'd be a good student and ask her for help on my paper, make sure I was going in the right direction, that sort of thing.  BAD CHOICE.  She pretty much shot down all my ideas, and I'm going to have to rewrite all five of the pages I've already done.  I wasted all of last night writing them, in other words.

As a result, I emailed Kirkland and asked for an extension on my history paper because I really just don't think I'll be able to write it by tomorrow.  At least, not with any semblance of coherency.  That was at 3.  It's now 7:30, and I've not gotten a response, and I'm not thinking I will (or at least not in the near future) so I'm going to have to come up with something that I can turn in tomorrow in case he doesn't give me the extension, and I'll probably get a dismal grade for it which will in turn give me a low grade for the class because I'm certainly not getting much in the way of participation points, and that panel thing is going to be sucktastic.  So I suppose I can't pick on Elyse for getting a B in his class because I'll probably wind up with the same grade, just because I didn't have the damn time to do any better.  I hate this.  I would LOVE to actually learn something in one of my classes, but I can't because I spend so much of my time doing busy work for all my other classes.  What kind of messed up educational system do we have in this country, anyway?  Seriously!  This is ridiculous!  I can't learn because I'm too busy doing HOMEWORK! THAT'S LAME!

*returns to homework, muttering angrily*

-Jaya-

I'm addicted to stress
that's the way that I get things done
if I'm not under pressure then I sleep too long
and I hang around like a bum
and I think I'm going nowhere and that makes me nervous

I'm addicted to stress
that's the way that I get things done
if I'm not under pressure then I sleep too long
and I hang around like a bum
I think I'm going nowhere and that makes me nervous

everybody's out to get me but I feel all right
everybody's out to get me but I feel all right
everybody's out to get me but I feel all right
everybody's thinking 'bout me

it's the little things that get you
it's the little things that get you when you weren't paying attention
it's the little things that get you
it's the little things that get you
it's the little things that get you when you weren't paying attention

I'm trying to cut down on my caffeine consumption
so when I get up I just have one cup of coffee
and I like to have another cup of coffee with my breakfast
and on the way to work I like to get a cup of coffee
like the kind of cup of coffee that you get with the donuts
but I never get the donut I just have the cup of coffee
and when I get to work I have a cup of coffee
cause I like to have a coffee when I'm talking on the phone
but it usually grows cold and I need to get another cup of coffee
and it's lunch, and I have an espresso...

and when I get back, it's not morning anymore so I have
a diet cola and another diet cola
by then I'm feeling fine and I'm feeling pretty sharp
and feeling pretty wired and I'm getting things done
but right about two I get this little tiny migraine and
it starts behind my eyes and it moves to the back of my neck
and it moves to the bottom of my spine
but it doesn't get there until 5 or 6 o'clock
which is the end of the day so I'm fine!
so I'm fine so I'm fine
except when I have to work late, when I have to work late
which I usually do

I'm addicted to stress
that's the way that I get things done
if I'm not under pressure then I sleep too long
and I hang around like a bum
and I think I'm going nowhere and that makes me nervous

everybody's out to get me but I feel all right
everybody's out to get me but I feel all right
everybody's out to get me but I feel all right
everybody's thinking 'bout me 
it's the little things that get you
it's the little things that get you when you weren't paying attention
it's the little things that get you
it's the little things that get you
it's the little things that get you when you weren't paying attention 

I love to work I love to run I love to play real hard
I love to steal little things from the grocery store
like a piece of bubble gum or sometimes I just stick
my thumb in a peach and leave it there
I love to work I love to run I love to water-ski snowboard
jet ski skydive parasail hanglide rollerblade mountainbike
bungee jump well I mean I'd love to do these things if I ever had the time.
I love to work I love to work I love to workout after work
I love to spend a little time with this woman I'm seeing
except  we never really get the time to spend together
so we call each other up and we talk about work
butwhat I think I'd really love is to get up by myself on a tiny little island
in the middle of the ocean with just me a book and a cellular phone
and a personal computer in case something came up
and I'd eat and I'd drink and I'd run and I'd sleep
and I wouldn't do nothing except swim all day
except I don't know how to do laps in the ocean
where there are sharks! where there are sharks! where there are sharks!
and there's this kind of anemone that sticks in your foot
and the poison goes up to your brain and you die
and sand fleas? Sand fleas! Yuck!
But actually I think would be really relaxing
just me by myself in the middle of the ocean
and thats what I'd really love to do more than anything else
except I'd probably hate it

I'm Addicted to stress
it's the way that I get things done
if I'm not under pressure then I sleep too long
and I hang around like a bum
and I think I'm going nowhere and that makes me nervous


everybody's out to get me but I feel all right
everybody's out to get me but I feel all right
everybody's out to get me but I feel all right
everybody's thinking 'bout me


everybody's out to get me but I feel all right
everybody's out to get me but I feel all right
everybody's out to get me but I feel all right
everybody's thinking 'bout me (x2)

I don't know how I get myself in these situations.  I really don't.  I'm so stressed out, I'm awake primarily thanks to caffeine and sugar in massive quantities... I'm shaking because of it.  And I have to write a one-page review for my class that starts at three, another three pages about SOMETHING that I don't even remember what it is for creative writing tomorrow, as well as three crits and there's another assignment that I don't remember what it is but it's also due in that class tomorrow.  Oh, yeah, and then there's the two papers that are due on Friday in two of my classes... the two I haven't actually started writing yet, just done the research. I would have started writing already but I'm too busy doing all the crap that's due BEFORE  those papers are due.  And I can't focus on anything and I feel like that guy in that song where I just can't stop moving or I'll collapse in a heap but I can't focus on the work I need to be doing either so I'm posting this instead and I am starting to regret signing up for Arizona because I need to use this break to get caught up instead of going somewhere else but I already signed up and the group is so small that I couldn't abandon them to do it without me and besides it will be relaxing until I come back and find out that I still have all this work to do that I didn't do over break and I half wish we'd get in an accident halfway back from Arizona and then I'd die and I wouldn't have to worry about any of it.

*collapses in a heap on the floor*

-Jaya-