Jots and Tittles

So, because I didn't write a formal research paper for my thesis, I get to instead write a formal reflection paper, reflecting on my experience writing the thesis. Seven pages, in fact, of reflecting on my experience writing the thesis.

It's 1 in the morning. I'm tired. My fingers hurt. I got to six and a half pages, and finally I snapped, and wrote the following.

Still, with as much of a struggle as it was, I am glad that I did it. I have learned how to play the game and tell all you silly university folks exactly what you want to hear, which I am sure will do wonders for me when I am someday trying to claw my way up the corporate ladder and have to bullshit my way though that like I managed to do for school. Hooray for the honors program which has taught me how to bullshit better than most. I am sure the skill will come in handy when I have to bullshit my way into a career I don't really want so that I can stay alive. Whoop de friggen do. Let's throw Brittany a party, because she has learned how to play the game better than anyone else we know! Some days I feel like Comicus from History of the World Part 1. I swear, that's my future. "Did you bullshit last week?" "No." "Did you try to bullshit last week?" "Yes." Only in my case I will have succeeded in bullshitting last week because the honors program did such a grand job at teaching me how. Well done, honors program! You have another little stooge to call your very own graduate! You must be so proud.

Of course, I didn't actually leave that in there, because it's not what they want to hear, and didn't I say that I'm a master at telling them what they want to hear?  But it was tempting.  Reeeeaaaaallllllyyyyyy tempting.

Like I said, I snapped!  It's been a week from hell and next week isn't looking to be very much better.  Thank goodness I have the ball this weekend or I might go bonkers altogether, and wouldn't that be fun?

-Jaya-

Got a letter from Fuller yesterday afternoon, which I didn't read until last night.

I've been accepted to Fuller Northwest!  Hooray!  So that means that I'll be in Seattle come the fall, unless I hear back from the housing folks in Pasadena and transfer myself down there.  Honestly, I'd rather be in Seattle, but if I get housing in Pasadena I'll go there instead.  Still, God has done some amazing things in the past few days.  I heard back from Group and they want to pursue an internship with me, after I had given up all hope of that.  Then I heard from my friend Rachel who might have a place for me to live this summer, meaning I wouldn't have to commute from Brighton, which seeing as how gas prices are so freaking high might well be more expensive than living here, especially if I take the bus and a bike to Loveland from Fort Collins rather than drive.  And it means that I get to stay with my friends and don't have to go back to the boonies of Brighton where I'm not really friends with anyone anymore and I'd feel so dreadfully out of the loop and lonely.  So that's happy.  And now I hear back from Fuller, who is happy to accept me.  Hooray, hooray, hooray!  It's so nice to have things work out!  Thank you so, so much, God, that things are working out!  Forgive me for ever having doubted that they would.  And please let me get the job with Group.  I know that whatever happens is completely in your control - and you've brought me this far, which is AWESOME, so I have no doubt that you'll bring me the rest of the way to where I need to be.  ^.^

-Jaya-

Got the GR paper back today.  A+.  She LOVED it.  Hooray for being intentionally vague.  Now, maybe I'll be able to repeat that accomplishment with my thesis and be done with it.  But I am shocked that she gave me an A+ because that paper was NOT that good.  It was very rambling and pointless.  But whatever.  I'll take it.  Takes some of the pressure off for the final, anyway. 

At the moment, we're "discussing" Mark Twain's The Diaries of Adam and Eve (which means exchanging blasphemies).  Woo.  I guess I'll find a way to pull through, I've made it this far.

I don't know whether I'm even coherent at this point. I watched "Chicken Chicken Chicken" on YouTube today and giggled for at least 20 minutes at the thought of doing it for my thesis presentation. It's not THAT funny... except it really is, in a completely ridiculous way. Actually, at this point, I could probably listen to freakin' "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds" and understand the deep and profound meaning behind the lyrics. And I'm not even on any mind-altering substances, unless you count a severe lack of sleep and several weeks' worth of school-induced stress. So maybe I'm not the best authority.

Anyway, considering that, the following sounds pretty darn good to me. Perhaps I will view it in a month and realize that I might have unknowingly inhaled any number of mind-altering substances, because the only other explanation for my current state of mind is multiple alien abductions, and as much as I love the X-Files I don't really believe in alien abductions.  ...Most days.

But I'm going to turn it in to my GR teacher tomorrow as my second-to-last journal entry, and it's going to be freaking sweet. Especially the part about abortion. I think I toned it down a bit, especially toward the beginning when I thought I might still care, but by the time I got to the abortion bit I pretty much decided, you know what, screw it, I'm right anyway so who cares what she thinks. And then I realized what I'd done and backed off toward the end. But still.

Well, maybe you should read it for yourself.

( Penultimate GR Journal OF DOOM, because everything's cooler when you add OF DOOM to the end. )

So, there you have it.  I'd like to say that it's pretty good but I'm really in no position to judge.  When I first wrote it I thought, "Wow! That's really amazing!  I'm going to post it on the LJ for all to see!" and now that I've posted it I'm thinking, "Hmm, maybe this was a bad idea..." but it's 2:30 in the morning and I still have reading to do before I can sleep.  So I'm going to go ahead and post it, and we'll hash out the details of whether that was a good idea some other time, eh?  All righty then. 

Peace out.

-Jaya-

I can't believe it.

Wait - strike that.  I can believe it, which makes it all the more depressing.  While I was looking online for the rubric for an upcoming Goddess Religions assignment, I stumbled across another article posted on the class's electronic reserve page.  This article is called "A Consistent Life Ethic?: Supporting Life After Birth" and is by Rosemary Radford Ruether, and can be found for free on this page.  Considering that, on the class page, the article is referred to as "Abortion/Ruether," I of course was immediately curious, and opened it up.

Actually, the article itself is pretty impressive, when you consider that it manages to spend two pages critiquing the Catholic church without once even mentioning the Bible or anything even vaguely resembling God, AND that it covers almost every single one of the liberal hot issues: abortion, the war in Iraq (and with it the nation's completely failure to do anything good, in her not-so-humble opinion), global climate change, global disarmament, unfair distribution of wealth... am I missing anything?  On second thought, it's not that special after all - she just shoved God out of the picture to make room for her pet issues.  Typical.

I could spend a long time pulling apart her argument, especially her criticism that, because people will do it anyway, we should just concede that abortions are ok.  That's very much like saying ,well, people will murder anyway, so we might as well make them legal, since it's not going to stop anything anyway.  She cites some horrific case of a mother of three who was imprisoned for getting an abortion in some other country, and her three children were of course left completely helpless as she languished in jail. Depressing, certainly, and by no means is that the best way to go about punishing a woman for her bad decision - but does that mean that she is not in the wrong for choosing to end the child's life rather than seeking help?  One of the girls who went on the Arizona mission trip with me shared her story - she was adopted, and her birth mother had had several abortions before becoming pregnant with my friend.  She didn't say why her mother chose not to abort her, either, but she stated very clearly that she recognizes how easily she might have been aborted, too.  No wonder she is against abortion.

 But I digress.  Regardless of whether or not I agree with a single word the Ruether says, what on earth is this article doing in my course reserves?  Granted, it's not required reading - at least, not that I have seen so far.  But, despite the fact that Ruether is a well-known feminist theologian, whose arguments I have encountered and refuted before, this article mentions nothing that is even vaguely related to goddesses OR religion.  So, what is it doing on a list of  offered readings for a goddess religions class?  I'm no rocket scientist, but even I can clearly see that this article is way out of line.  There is no reason whatsoever for her to post this other than to foist her own political beliefs onto us, her unwitting students.  Never mind that most of the people in my class probably agree with the article.  Never mind that it isn't required reading.  This is WAY outside the scope of the class and has absolutely NO reason to be on that list.  This sort of thing makes me absolutely livid.  It's exactly what Indoctrinate-U is all about.

If I was not so close to graduation that I am scared of saying anything that would potentially jeopardize my  chances of being done (I do need this class to graduate, sadly),  I would try to do something about this.  As it is, while I was already planning to give a scathing review on the course evaluations at the end of the semester, I now must remember to include this, as well.  Perhaps I will included something to the effect of, 'Dr. Mitchell, I suggest you listen to the Right Brothers' song entitled "SHUT UP AND TEACH."'

It's almost too bad that I already have a calling.  Otherwise, I might consider contacting Evan Maloney and seeing if he needed any help fighting the liberal indoctrination going on in our universities, because this is just plain wrong, folks.  And it needs to stop.

-Jaya-

I'll get to some substance later.  Right now, I need some haiku-style complaining about Goddess Religions.  We're a little bit behind in class, but the reading for today was about God and Genesis.  The "tribal Yahweh," as Mitchell calls it. 

The attacks are back
God is not respected here
they cut Him to bits.

Why is it so cool
to try to make God look like
a complete moron?

Or make Him a mean,
evil, corrupt, and worthless
patriarchal jerk?

That is not my God!
My Father is kind, loving,
majestic and good.

He is a savior,
extending His love to all,
who are unworthy.

He is vengeful, yes,
He has every right when His
perfection is wronged.

But we deserve more
than even the wrath we get;
His love protects us.

Just because His Book
reflects the myths of the
goddesses of old...

...this does not mean that
they are not true - they are
Truths behind the myths.

They can't both be true
but that doesn't mean that both
must be wholly false.

There is nothing that
frustrates me more than seeing
these dumb arguments.

In case you can't tell, I found the reading for this week very frustrating.  It was all about how this stupid Hebrew god shows up and ousts all the goddesses, eradicating so much of the rich beauty of the previous religions and replacing it with the stark, ugly evil of Patriarchy.  With a capital P.

Grr. 

I really struggle with this crap.  It gets to me on more than an intellectual level, and frustrates me to no end.  Thank God that the moment I step outside, I can take a deep breath, revel in God's creation, and know that He is God, no matter what these stupid books tell me.  Sometimes, I have to cling to a truth as though it was nothing more than dogma, not because it is but because that's the only way I can deal with it without losing my head.  Only later, after the fact, can I look at the arguments being made and refute them logically.  My first reaction is to freeze up and panic, and the only way I can save myself is to cling to what I know is true.  So that's what I'll do when I get out of class today - I'm going to cling to the Truth and I'll deal with the lies later.

-Jaya-

P.S. As a rather irrelevant side note, what on EARTH is my teacher wearing today?  That's got to be the most hideous thing I've seen in a long time.  Shiny bronze MC Hammer-esque pants with a velvet-looking shirt that hangs down low  and completely destroys any form she might have had to her body.  Ick - looks like a wannabe Aladdin or... something.  Wow.  I'm quite at a loss for words to describe it.

http://www.ldolphin.org/audio/agape.mp3

I've begun to rediscover my love for C. S. Lewis.  It's funny - the last time I was at Barnes and Noble, I was thinking about getting another of his books, and Ashley told me to get something else, because I have too much Lewis already.  But I can't help it!  He and I are kindred spirits in some - many - ways.  Right down to the quote I found of him last night saying, "You can't get a cup of tea big enough or a book long enough to suit me." 

It's funny, though, because as many times as I have dreamed of having a conversation with the man, I haven't ever imagined him sounding anything like that.  Especially not that accent - there's some stupid American prejudice saying that particular accent is very hoity-toity, very stuck up and pretentious.  But I've come to enjoy it - he speaks very clearly and of course I love what he has to say.

This particular clip is about just that: love.  It's challenged me to rethink my craving for love and what I really need, as opposed to what I think I want.  I find that even Lewis is somewhat steeped in the mysticism tradition (no great surprise, considering his interests and profession), which is somewhat frustrating, but I have come to a point where I have to begin learning to look past the romantic mysticism and into the truth that might be lurking behind it.  Lewis is good practice for that, because he has a lot of excellent thoughts and expresses himself very well.  And he makes me smile.  So that's good.

One not-terribly-related side note.  I looked up my Media and Culture book on Amazon.com, to see what people had to say about it.  One review contained this sentence: "The author doesn't always keep his liberal agenda well hidden, but that is perhaps forgiveable (sic) in an age of increasingly conserative (sic) media."

Wow.  Can you say, deluded much?  Have you read the news lately?  Granted, on a college campus I'm in something of a liberal stronghold so maybe all I see is liberal media, but WOW.  I know the politics of most mainstream media, and they are not conservative by any stretch of the imagination.  Just, wow.

I repeat my emphasis of before.  Watch Indoctrinate-U.  The truth will set us free, if we can get enough people to listen to it.

-Jaya-

I was bored with the reading for class today, so I thought I'd skip ahead to the Sophia stuff.  And within that, I found an all-too-common assumption about the early Jewish culture.  The assumption is that Jews were patriarchal, therefore, their God reflected those patriarchal values.  It is as though the culture came first, and then God developed from that.  But if all the cultures around them were distinctly different, especially if they were matricentric as is argued in my GRs class, it makes no sense that the Jewish people would randomly develop into a patriarchal society for absolutely no reason, and then create a God from that.

What makes more sense, to me, is that the Jewish culture was and is "patriarchal" (though without the evil connotations that word has accrued in some circumstances - there is nothing wrong with competent male leadership and you can see yesterday's entry if you want more) because they were a closer reflection of how God wants his people to live.  In other words, the patriarchal values of the Jews reflected  their God.

Now, you have to be careful when speaking of this sort of thing, because patriarchy has taken on such negative connotations.  However, as I've read more, I'm beginning to understand that, in fact, masculine leadership tends to be more beneficial for everyone, including women. This is not to say that all leaders must be male.  However, good leaders will all employ tactics which are traditionally considered "masculine" (and yes, much of this comes from having read Why Men Hate Going to Church yesterday - it's on my mind), and those benefit both men and women.  People need to be challenged, especially men, and sometimes they need to be thrown to the wolves because they're ready, even if they don't think they are.  Traditionally, the masculine leaders are the ones who are willing to do this, whereas the feminine leaders are more likely to comfort and coddle. While that has its place, this constant emphasis on not hurting anyone's feelings and protecting everyone to the extent that no one can grow is hurting everyone.

Just something to think about.

-Jaya-

So, Goddess Religions today was really tough, for a couple of reasons.  First of all, we have the one that REALLY bothered me.  In the course of discussing the difference between polytheism and monotheism, Dr. Mitchell made the point that polytheistic religions are more tolerant of other faiths, since they already have so many gods (an addition of one or two isn't a big deal), whereas monotheists tend to be less tolerant of other religions because the believe that their god is the only one and everyone else is just wrong.  To illustrate this point, she claimed that initially, Christians were not persecuted by pagans "for a long time" because they worshipped "just another god."

Um, I BEG your pardon, but Christians have NEVER not been persecuted.  I will grant that Stephen's martyrdom was at the hands of the Jews, a monotheistic people, so it doesn't count for this argument.  But then we have people like James the brother of John, killed by Herod, a pagan.  Peter and Paul, killed by Nero, a pagan.  Actually you can take any of Nero's victims - there were certainly enough of them.  Only one of the disciples, John, was not martyred, and that wasn't for lack of trying - the story goes that they boiled him alive, and the Catholics still celebrate his mass as though he had been killed (the theory is, he underwent an experience which would have led to martydom if God had not intervened, so that's close enough).  The Jews certainly weren't happy with the Christians, but it was the pagans who carried out the majority of the persecutions against the band of Christ's followers.  This is WITHIN ONE GENERATION of Christ - these are the men who traveled with Jesus during his earthly ministry.  By historical standards - indeed, by just about any standards - that is anything but a "long time," thank you.

Her next claim is that , even when the persecutions began, they weren't that bad.  She says that "what the Christians did to each other a little later is far worse than what the pagans ever did to them."  Hmm, that's funny, I must have missed that part of the church history.  When did the Christians start boiling each other in oil?  Or feeding each other to lions?  Or hanging each other on crosses and then setting those crosses on fire to light the streets of their cities?  Or dragging each other through the streets tied to rampaging horses, then thrown off a cliff?  Seems to me those were all PAGAN punishments for CHRISTIANS, and simply running a guy through with a sword or smashing his head in with a mace seems almost humane after that.  I mean, that was really sick stuff! 

Ah, but the worst is yet to come.  For her next statement is that "the Christians probably deserved it."

*blinkblink*

I'm sorry, can you run that by me again?  The Christians probably DESERVED IT.  They deserved to be hung on crosses and set on fire, to be boiled in oil, to be beaten and humiliated and killed for simply preaching that Christ was God and that he was the only way to heaven.  They weren't forcibly dragging people off to become Christians.  They weren't rampaging through the streets and killing people.  They were just teaching, like plenty of other people did every single day.  Yet they deserved the persecution they received.  Wow.

What's her justification for this?  "I mean, they were so intolerant - some of them - so fanatical - some of them." 

I'm sorry, did you say intolerant?  Did you say fanatical?   Can you say,  the pot calling the kettle black?  Because, whoa.  I seem to recall, from my reading of Acts (granted, Troy and I are only halfway through, but still, I've read enough of it before to be relatively certain of this), that the apostles were preaching very peacefully.  They were doing exactly what Christ had instructed them to do, namely, to preach the Truth in love.  Who were so intolerant as to refuse to allow them to preach whatever they wanted, even when others were allowed to teach in the forums (remember, this is Rome)?  Who were so fanatical about the supremacy of the Emperor that they hunted down and killed all those who taught that the Emperor was not a god?  Was it the Christians?  No, it was the pagans.  And who is so intolerant as to be using her position as teacher to indoctrinate the class against Christianity?  Who is so fanatical about feminism and relativism that she can't imagine any reason for Christianity to continue teaching that it is the only way to God?  Is it the Christians?  No, it's you.

Okay, that was harsh.  Obviously, for a woman who grew up in a Methodist church, something has happened to hurt her and turn her against the Truth.  Maybe it was only a perceived hurt, something she learned to perceive as painful during the feminist movement in the 60s, but that doesn't make it any less painful and I need to recognize that and remember to be compassionate toward her.  But when she treats Christians, my family, with such flippant derision, it's kind of hard for me to keep my temper.

And that's not even touching on the whole evolution part.  That doesn't bother me quite so much, though there are some things which are really frustrating.  Like how she talks about the Scopes "monkey trial" and suggests that the book and the play are accurate representations of what actually went on (they're not - many thanks to the wonderful apologist grammastola for that explanation).  Or how she claims that, not only was Darwin a Christian, but he saw no contradiction between his theory and Christianity (on the contrary, he recognized that it would be a blow to Christianity and by the end of his life had abandoned all religious beliefs).  Or how she says that "since then, of course, there has been an incredible amount of evidence to fill in all sorts of gaps that were still there when Darwin did it" which is simply false and I'm not going to bother going into it AGAIN, especially considering that a future installment of "I Don't Have Enough Faith to Be an Atheist" will cover that.

So, yeah.  Today was incredibly frustrating.  I just have to keep reminding myself that Jesus Christ rose from the dead, and that's a fact.  Christianity is the Truth.  It is.  I've proven it to myself and to others countless times and I'm going through it again with IDHEFTBAA, and no matter what they throw at me, it doesn't change a thing.  The Truth is a precious, precious thing.

-Jaya-

One of these days I'm going to learn better than to procrastinate.  I swear.  Until that day, I'm going to have to suffer through times like this, when all of a sudden I realize that I have an assignment for Goddess Religions due TOMORROW and I haven't really started it yet.

But it wouldn't have mattered if I'd had a month of Sundays to finish this - the assignment would not have been any easier.  I still wouldn't have the stomach to sit down and read things like this.  I get to the point where I have to stop and go pray, read the Bible, pray, pray, pray... and even then I feel dirty.  Ritually unclean, if you will.  Because that stuff is sick, and it's twisted - literally, as they've twisted the Bible to their own stupid purposes.

Now, this is, once again, nothing new.  But it's amazing how difficult it remains for me to read.  In the same way that I still get creeped out when I'm listening to that tape of the Re-Imagining conference, this stuff still (and probably always will) gives me the feeling that something is wrong, something is very wrong about this, if only I could get past the panic it engenders in me to figure out what it is. 

So, friends, keep praying for me.  It's going to be a long night.

I hate seeing myself slipping into old familiar habits, but I'm finding it harder and harder to pay attention in Goddess Religions.  Last time, she spent the entire class period lecturing us about why the assertions made in the readings were just tentative, possibilities, etc. Apparently I wasn't the only one whose journal consisted of "you know, none of these claims have anything substantiating them..."  She had no problems admitting that some of the images depicted in the book weren't necessarily clear in their femininity. 

That's great.  We don't exactly have a lot of evidence to make any claims - be they regarding goddesses or anything else - from the paleolithic and neolithic ages.  But the problem I have with these readings is the lengths to which the authors will go to prove that every single pot ever dug up points to a goddess-based religion.  They'll take abstract images like swirls, swastikas (which were actually a symbol of GOOD LUCK until Hitler appropriated them, just so you know), zigzags, etc. and claim that those are somehow evidence for this pervasive goddess religion.  Like, every single spiral image ever is supposed to be a snake.  NOTHING is just a pretty design anymore.  Nothing is made which does not point toward the goddess.  And some of those images just don't look like what they want them to look like.  It's not a matter of ambiguity, it's a matter of pulling stuff out of their collective @$$ and assuming everyone else will see it, too.  And of course, we all know what assuming does to people.

Really, it's quite laughable, in a very sad sort of way.  These people, Baring and Cashford, the authors of this book, are trying so hard to create an argument in favor of this universal, pervasive mother-goddess religion of the early people that they're pulling things out which are ambiguous at best and often simply ludicrous.  Who in the world took this seriously enough to let it be published?  I feel like an adult looking at a child's firm belief in Santa Clause, a child who should probably have grown out of that belief several years ago.  It's kind of amusing, in a way, but mostly it's just pathetic.

In other news, I'm not dropping the honors program, much as I long to.  I have to find a committee member, though, and get Mitchell to agree to do GR as an Honors Option - we'll see if she lets me.  If not, well, there's no reason to do the thesis cause I still won't graduate with honors.  But we'll see where it goes.  I don't actually care that much, which is kind of nice - doing something against your will means that you do what you have to, but if something goes wrong, you don't really care.  Probably not the best way to feel about it, but I'm so done with CSU, I just don't care.  Just give me my diploma and let me go, thanks. 

I'm going to the health center this afternoon to hopefully get an appointment and get my ear checked out.  I'm getting sick of not being able to sleep normally because I can't put pressure on my ear.  So we'll look into that. 

Tonight is the lenten path thing at church, in which I am very interested since I remember when Brighton did the labyrinth thing, and I want to compare the two.  Luckily, my core group has decided to go to that and the Ash Wednesday service tonight instead of doing regular Bible study, so I can do it without having to miss out on anything.  Core group last week was amazing - we have a tiny, tiny group - last week it was just me, Peg, Steph and Joanna but we had a great conversation and it lasted forever.

And that's all the news for today.  People are starting to come in and talk (why do they have to talk at the top of their lungs?) so I'm having trouble concentrating, anyway.  I'm out.

-Jaya-

Goddess Religions yesterday was all about the term papers and how we're supposed to go about doing them, so there's nothing exciting to report from class.  However, I do want to post the first (and longest) part of my journal entry for this week, as it contains some fun stuff from our readings for the week:

 

I'll try to post another entry tomorrow afternoon if something remarkable happens in class.  :)

-Jaya-

So, I didn't get the second book for this class until this morning, meaning I didn't get to do a very thorough job on the day's reading.  But there's one thing that I've noticed repeated again and again in these readings, and it drives me nuts.  It's the assumption that, just because early cultures (early meaning, like, paleolithic) worshipped goddesses, we should too.  Because obviously we haven't learned anything in the thousands of years since goddesses were worshipped en masse.  Obviously the paleolithic people were much more intelligent than we are, even though we have thousands of years of human experience from which we can learn and draw conclusions.  ...wait.  How does that follow? I thought that conservatives were supposed to be the ones who clung to tradition and the way things used to be.  Why are these ultra-liberal feminist theologians clinging to the traditions of old people when they lambaste us for doing the same thing?

And then there's the images of goddesses.  I'm sorry, but some lazy obese woman (yes, yes, it's supposed to emphasize fertility or pregnancy, whatever, you don't have to be too huge to move to be pregnant) is not powerful or worthy of worship.  LAME SAUCE.

But I should head into class now.  More when I get home.

I know I already posted one entry today.  However, I do want to put this out there; it will be especially interesting to those of you who either have gone or are going through CSU's Creative Writing program, or one similar to it.  These are my comments regarding changes I would make to the Creative Writing program.

I feel that I was not given sufficient training in creative writing - three token courses in any one form (fiction, poetry, and two in creative nonfiction) are simply not enough to give a person a strong foundation in the basics of creative writing.  Were I in charge I would offer other classes that looked at literature and popular fiction in terms of the craft - why the author chose to use this or that plot device, why such a character is sympathetic, how a certain scene is constructed and why it gives the reader a certain impression - rather than always, always analyzing it through the context of some literary lens or other.  For poetry and creative nonfiction a similar approach could be used, focusing on the types of things each craft requires. By the end of my junior year, I was beginning to feel horribly burned out when it comes to analyzing literature because I felt like I did the exact same thing in every class I took: read a book, then interpret it through a critical lens such as psychoanalysis or feminism or the like.  Considering that my interests lie in writing, not analyzing, I was incredibly frustrated with the English department in general.  I would especially like to see a capstone for creative writers which is geared toward helping them write (be that fiction, poetry or creative nonfiction), instead of doing more literary analysis. 

Most importantly, however, this highbrow approach to fiction writing has got to go.  Not a single person I talked to in the entire creative writing program appreciates the exclusive focus on “literary fiction” and the explicit ban on “genre fiction” (although, strictly speaking, “literary fiction” is a genre).  I, and many of my fellow students, feel that this limits us in our creative endeavors and is based on a shallow understanding of what genre fiction is and does for writers.  For example, science fiction and fantasy writers must pay careful attention to the details of the world in which they write, because they are describing to their readers a purely imaginary world and they cannot assume that their readers will understand what they are talking about.  Used properly, a writing exercise in science fiction can turn into an exercise in description, showing writers ways in which we can drop important details into the story without losing the plot’s momentum or the reader’s interest.  Even an “Intro to Genre” course, in which we would be allowed to study and explore several popular genres, would be helpful. 

Now, I believe that will be too long to post into the official senior survey, but I do hope to get the majority of it in there.  Especially that last bit.  I don't know if they'll care, and it's almost certain that they won't care enough to DO anything about it, but at least it gives me a chance to say something.  And that makes me feel a little bit better. 

-Jaya-

Ack.  I'm somewhat in crisis mode right now, so forgive me if I only give a basic overview of class today.  I've other, more important things I want to discuss.

Now, on to the stuff that's actually concerning me.  See, I'm looking at all the seminary applications, and I'm encountering a problem.  Seminary isn't like undergraduate school, where you can come in as "open option" and figure it out after you've been there a while and have a better idea of what's going on.  You have to know what degree you want when you apply, so you can apply to that program.  And that means I need to know whether I want an M.Div or a Th.M. or a MA in Theology or whatever else, and I need to know it, hmm, yesterday.  But I just don't have a clue.

So my next thought is, well, I could take a semester off to figure that out, get some work experience, not be in school for a while, that sounds rather nice.  But I don't know what the heck I'd do for that semester.  I mean, I know I want to get an internship with a Christian publishing organization over the summer.  But would that last through till January of 09?  Would I be able to get a job with them after it ended, if it doesn't last, and stay those extra few months?  I don't know, but I'm not ready to start the application process for Seminary yet, and that's really scary and really frustrating.  Princeton's application is due on Friday.  I started it, yes, but for the M.Div program, and I'm not sure I want an M.Div, and I'm really not sure I want to go to New Jersey, and I'm really really not sure I want to jump headlong into even more school.  Sigh.  So I don't know what I want or what I'm going to do to get it, and I'm something of a big conflicted mess right now.

And that means it's time to go pray, and see if I can talk to Andrew again, and talk to other people, and write about it more after all that, and we'll see what decisions I come to.  I don't know where this is going to lead me.  I do know that God is in control, so no matter what happens he'll take care of me.  And, really, with that knowledge in hand, I have the courage to step out and do what needs to be done... once I figure out what that is.  But it's ok.  God's got me covered, and he's not going to let me down.  

-Jaya-

Well, dear friends, we've passed day 2.  The recorder worked like a dream and I, oddly, have less to say this time than I had last.  Anyone who wants an mp3 recording of the lecture, by the way, is welcome to it.  Certainly not of the best quality in the world, but still intelligible - at least, for the parts to which I've listened.  Occasionally something moved and the recorder must have been too close to the power source for my laptop, because it gives that weird clicking buzz sound, but I think you can still hear what's going on, so next time I'll try putting it on the other side.  The rest of the class's comments are harder to hear but she often repeats the meat of them anyway in her response. The first 20 minutes or so are just basic business sorts of things, taking roll, questions about the syllabus, etc.  Then we get into the "Images of God" lecture.



But there was no attack today.  As a matter of fact, the hour I spent before that class was absolutely fantastic.  I prayed, I read the Bible, I was inspired.  I put on my favorite Christian songs playlist and worshipped until I was nearly glowing with it.  Actually I'm certain that God was guiding my music, odd as it may seem, because one of the songs that touched me most, that I love most, played twice.  That isn't remarkable until you realize that I have it only once on that playlist (I know, because I hand-picked every song there), and iPods on shuffle don't play the same song twice unless it's in the playlist twice.  It was a small thing, but it was a God moment.  And it made me happy.  Because God is awesome.  And with Him at my side, I can face everything this class can throw my way.  Bring it on, Sophia, I have God on my side! ;)

-Jaya-

Disinterested Inquirer: So, Jaina, how was your first day back in classes?

Me: Well, you know, it's funny you should ask that...

Friends, this is going to be a very interesting semester.  Because while I have General Psychology (for which I don't actually need the stupid clicker, as it has NO impact on my grade whatsoever and... frankly, I just don't care that much, though I found it laughable that he kept insisting that we'd use it for the rest of our college career, when I clearly have never had to use one in my entire college career), Intro to Media Studies (we watched the flying scene from Titanic on the first day of class.  What does that tell you?), and Kirkland's WWII history class (it's Kirkland.  I could not go and still get an A - I know, because that's what I did last semester too), all of which will be really easy, I'm also taking Goddess Religions.

I believe I've mentioned to the majority of parties with any interest in this little blog my reasons for taking the class.  In short, one should always know the enemy very well.  It's like Admiral Thrawn, for you Star Wars nerds out there - study a people's art, and you understand the people.  Or, in this case, just take a class from them and see what they teach.  I mean, what better way to figure out what they believe than to try to learn it from them, right?  I feel like I'm a spy in that class, like I'm an interloper on a Top Secret Mission from High Up, looking to infiltrate the enemy base and learn everything I can.

You probably think I'm exaggerating.  Let me assure you that I'm not.  I do not belong in that class.  Everything makes it abundantly clear, from the fact that (apparently) it's supposed to be restricted to juniors only (we just... won't mention that I'm a senior, because really, does it matter at ALL if I have an extra semester under my belt?) to the things we're being taught.  I am the enemy to these people: a conservative, Christian woman who believes in the Bible and - lo and behold - actually reads the thing enough to know when they're lying to me.  Or at least strongly suspect it.  I never would have believed it before I walked in there, but I tell you truly, I was under attack for an hour in that room.  Satan knew who I was and why I was there and he was doing his damnedest (literally) to undermine it - by a spiritual attack.  I didn't actually think they manifested themselves like that - I didn't know I could feel like I was under siege.  I didn't know that I could feel something battering at my spirit, attacking me with fear and doubt and sometimes, even terror.  And yet that's what happened.  I was attacked today in class.

Now, there has been one other time in which I have been attacked, and that time I fell.  Or, rather, I didn't fall when I was supposed to.  But that was a couple of years ago, at the Source, and the minute I realized what had happened, what I had done, I repented and swore that it would never happen again - in the future, I would rely on God when such an attack came and I would prevail, instead of trying to rely on what I thought and my own meager defense.  But that attack was peanuts to this.  And this time, by the grace of God, I withstood.

You all know me.  You know that I generally don't mess with stuff like "spiritual attacks" and that I'm conservative enough that people who even lift their hands in worship kind of freak me out, let alone the kneeling or writhing on the floor varieties of worship.  Some part of me sees that and judges it, sees it as foolish and kind of cheesy, or scary.  And I may never get past the discomfort that gives me, but I do hope someday to stop being so judgmental about it.  But I never would have believed me, back in high school, say.  And now... there was evil in that room.  Palpable evil.  I don't understand it, but there it was.  And that's what I get to stew in every other day, for an hour at a time, all semester.  Thankfully, I have an hour before that class every day, after general psych, in which I can prepare myself - gird myself for battle, as it were.  My plan is to go to the chapel on campus (which is quite a walk from the Clark building), which so far has nothing scheduled earlier than 11:30, and so should be empty at 10 in the morning - unless it takes a while to prepare, in which case I'll need a new plan.  But the idea just now is to pray, to pull out a Bible and read, and do whatever I need to do in order to prepare myself for the trial ahead of me.  Later, when it gets warmer, maybe I'll find a little place outside, but I want somewhere private.  I don't need people interrupting me or staring at me during this time, I need to be focusing on God.  It's that whole Matthew 6:6 thing - when you pray, go into your room and close the door.  I don't want to make a production of this, it's for me, and it's private.  The production will come later.

Now, since this is going to be incredibly long, and I know not everyone will want to read it all, I'm going to hide this (and all future) reflection on the day's lecture behind one of those handy LiveJournal cuts.  If you care to read it, click on the link.  Otherwise, you can go ahead and skip forward - I'll understand your not wanting to spend that much time on my journal.  I do hope you'll take the time to skim it, since it has some fascinating claims to explore, but that's your call.


Now, there's something I must ask of all of you.  Keep me in line.  This is going to be really hard on me, walking into that class every day and having to somehow behave toward these people as Christ would have me do.  To speak the truth in love - but most importantly, to SPEAK.  Anyone who has had a class with me knows that I'm the quiet one in the front who never says much but always seems to do pretty well.  I can't be that girl in this class.  I have to speak up.  That's why I'm there.  And I failed pretty badly today at that, but thankfully we have journal entries due every day where I can voice some of my concerns.  I plan to address the henotheistic issue in today's, which is optional, and we'll see what she says.

I'm also being indoctrinated against the Truth.  And in order to withstand that, I'll need your prayers.  I'll need you to call me out if I say something that strikes you as funny.  Keep me accountable.  I know I've got God on my side and I know he'll defend me.  Part of the way He'll do that is through you - the people who know me and love me best - helping me out.

There's a beautiful irony in the Bible verse of the day that shows up on my Google desktop today.  It's one of my favorites: Zephaniah 3:17.  It reads, "The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."  I lived that verse today, and it was amazing.

And I finally finished my last paper of the semester.  It'll need another quick read-through before I go turn it in, and it's certainly not the best paper I've ever written - this particular teacher has the frustrating habit of giving essay prompts which could be discussed in five pages, and then requiring a 10-page paper on them - but it's done.  and I'm going to bed.  FINALLY.

-Jaya-

Howsabout I just give up now.  Seriously.  I was up until 7 AM yesterday (and this morning) in order to get that 10-page monstrosity done, and I have another 10-page monstrosity due tomorrow at noon.  That I've only sort of finished researching.  I drove around campus for a good twenty minutes trying to find a place to park so I could run upstairs and "hurl" said ten-page monstrosity under the teacher's door (as her white board so cleverly put it), and then, because my poor legs have done nothing but sit there since about Friday, I actually couldn't walk down the stairs.  Every step was painful.  Can we say, lactic acidosis?  And I wasn't even drinking alcohol...  I have no motivation to work on this next paper, Troy thinks I'm going to get a normal amount of sleep tonight (poor, deluded boy...), and all I want to do is curl up in a ball in the corner and cry until it all goes away.  And, to top it all off, Aspen ate my chocolate!  That thrice-damned little dog ATE MY CHOCOLATE.  The chocolate that Troy brought me, the expensive kind.  :'(  I didn't even get to try the orange dark chocolate kind.  How that stupid dog managed to eat a bar of dark chocolate and somehow suffer no ill effects flabbergasts me. *glares at Aspen* I swear, if that dog dies from chocolate poisoning, I'll be friggen HAPPY.  Serves her right.

Okay, redeeming features.  Troy is the dearest person in the whole world - he stayed with me all night while I worked, even if he did doze off now and again, it was SO nice to know that I wasn't alone.  Funny thing about being up at 3 in the morning - nobody else is.  I kind of start to freak myself out, especially if I want to sleep instead of do whatever I'm doing.  Also, when I went to go turn in my paper, I ran into Gollapudi, and she gave me my final paper back, graded and all - 92.  So that's good, I won't worry about the Monk paper.  Sweet.  Also also, I have less than 24 hours before it's all over, for better or for worse, and that's not really so long even if I do have to be awake for all 22 1/2 of them.  After that, I can sleep.  Yes. Sleep.  I'm starting to forget what that is.  Looks like I'll be doing polyphasic sleep for a while, whether I like it or not, and whether I mean to or not. 

-Jaya-

AS much as I love reading and books and talking about books and what have you, this whole English major thing is getting old.  Is it even possible for me to be any more sick of literary analysis?  Do English majors EVER do ANYTHING other than analyze literature?  Honestly!  I've even got a creative writing concentration - I should be focusing on the craft, not feminist readings of "The Tenant of Wildfell Hall"!  I have no problems with reading Tenant, but let's look at how the author crafts a story, not what she may or may not have been trying to suggest about repression of the female voice in Victorian England.  I. DON'T. CARE.  If I cared any less, I would have anticare, and if it ever collided with care... it'd be like matter and antimatter.  The friggen world would end.

Seriously.  I've been reading critical essays until I thought my brains would leak out my ears, because all of a sudden once you get up into higher level English classes you no longer are expected to think for yourself, but to do lots of research on what everybody else thinks and then write a paper about it, cleverly disguising the mix of opinions you got from all of them as one cohesive opinion of your own, so you can throw in the occasional quote here and there.  And of course you better look at it through some theoretical framework or other, because it would make no sense at all to think about what the novel might actually be saying before you try to impose some old dead guy's ideas onto the text and try to derive some meaning out of that.

Original thought is so highly discouraged.  We did a peer review the other day and this one girl was writing an argument against Greenblatt.  For those of you who don't know this, Greenblatt is, like, the god of the literary world.  You just don't argue with Greenblatt, because he's the authority, and it's as simple as that.  The rest of us in the group were saying, "more power to you!  Knock him down, prove him wrong for once, the arrogant old bastard."  And she was scared out of her wits to actually do it.  Doesn't that seem wrong, that she has to be so worried about what Greenblatt has to say about Donne's poetry that she can't give her own argument without feeling awful?

And I just can't get over the epic lameness of CSU's creative writing program.  There are exactly -three- courses required by the English department for creative writing concentrations that have ANYTHING to do with creative writing.  These courses are: Beginning Creative Writing, Intermediate Creative Writing, and - you guessed it - Advanced Creative Writing.  That's it.  Now, laying aside for the moment my qualms with the creative writing courses and their little biases and crap, what the hell?  How does that qualify as a concentration in ANYTHING?  Why not have a class like "Intro to Genre Writing" or "Characterization Techniques" or "Narrative Styles and How to Use Them" or stuff that might actually be USEFUL?  And then we can get rid of "Modern Women Writers" unless you want to take it as an elective.  And how about a capstone that isn't "let's study one author until you're so sick of them and you're glad they're already dead" but something more like "Short Story Capstone" where you have one story that you write and polish and edit and perfect all semester, with other little writing exercises and stuff?  Yes, you should have to take some literature class, you need to be able to understand what people are going to do to your writing and besides, you should be exposed to a wide range of fiction.  But three all-inclusive "Creative Writing" courses is just bullshit.  There is no way you can cram as much information as we need into those three classes.  It simply can't be done.

I can't wait for next semester when I have to do a "senior survey" of the English department.  It's going to be scathing, because I am SO sick of this crap.  This isn't an education if I'm constantly doing the exact same thing over and over and over again and never learning anything new except what those ten critics I read said about gender equality in Wuthering Heights.  That does me no good whatsoever.  I might as well be a Bio major and learn the ins and outs of a mouse's femur for four years.  Sure, it's interesting and potentially useful information, but there's really only so much I can take, and there are so many other, better things I could be doing with my time.

Sigh.  All right, now I'll see if I can drag myself back to the databases and try to find some more articles, preferably ones that I can read past the first three pages without throwing my hands in the air in frustration or disgust.  Or both. 

-Jaya-