Jots and Tittles

So after I send that nice long email, what do I get in reply?

"Hi Brittany.  I love you and I trust you.  -Mom"

Um.  I know my mom isn't the best with the written word, but she's not even trying.  Did she even read all that I wrote?  Wouldn't know one way or the other with that reply, would you.

So, I really don't know what to do from here except ignore her completely and keep doing my thing.  I'm not that worried about it, honestly, but we'll see how this turns out.  Probably the same as last summer, actually--all will go quite well and there won't be anything for mom to do but be ok with it.  Sigh.

And, oddly enough, it's for many of the same reasons.  Namely, I'm a stupid lazy bum who doesn't know the first thing about getting one, obviously (as any moron with half a brain could clearly and plainly see ^.~), and I should have been working on finding a job/internship for this summer way back in January,  and so forth. 

Your father and I are very disappointed in you and your sister, Brittany. 
Why don't you take responsibility for yourself and do these things without me having to remind you?
We are trying to provide for your future and your education, and you're not helping.
If you don't get a job that has something to do with English, why did we bother paying for you to get this degree?
I know you don't like journalism, but why don't you go down to the newspaper and see if they have anything for you?
What about that program I sent you for grad students? Can't you see if they have something for undergrads, too?
You're just too lazy.
You spend too much time with your friends.
Your priorities are in the wrong place.
Your career comes first.
You are wasting your time.
You have two weeks.  After that, you're coming home to Brighton and looking for a job here.

And the sick part of that last one is, I am 21 years old and she still KNOWS that she can make me come home.  Why?  Because, she holds the purse strings.  I'm quite helpless.  Unless, of course, I get a job, but even then I'll not be able to earn enough in one summer to pay the rent and the utility bills and so forth for the next two semesters.  But what's in Brighton?  Wouldn't I be better off here, where my options are a bit more varied than Wal-Mart and Home Depot?  I remember doing the job hunt in Brighton.  At least in Fort Collins I'm not limited to retail of some sort--whether or not I end up in retail notwithstanding.

She's doing this to Elyse, now, too.  It's driving me nuts.  I mean, I understand that I need to get a job.  I've been thinking about that since long before she has brought it up, and she manages to have conveniently forgotten that I spent many of the earliest months of the semester focusing on finding an internship for this summer (which, incidentally, I'm delighted to have avoided getting, since it means I can remain in Fort Collins for what looks to be the best summer of my college career).

Every time, too, she sends me an email that looks something like this:

I do love you and I am proud of you!  Love, Mom

So, this time, I emailed her back with more than my usual "yeah, I know" reply:

I know... but for heaven's sake, Mom, you act like I'm not even trying!  You seem to have forgotten that back in January, February and March I WAS filling out internship applications, and I got back nothing but "no" from all, or else no answer at all which is essentially the same thing.  It's not like I just ignored it until just now.  The reason I excused the last two weeks of school while we were talking is that while that would probably have been the ideal time to start looking for a job, I was so exhausted from doing nothing but school every second of every day that I couldn't fathom doing anything else.  I was up until four in the morning nearly every night (ask Troy and Sarah, they were kind enough to sit up with me several of those nights, either doing their own work or simply providing moral support when I thought I was to exhausted to continue) writing paper after paper.  I probably should have budgeted my time better, but in my defense I didn't get the assignments for all but one of those papers until the last week or two of the semester, either.  And I pray I earned good grades this semester (that B in creative writing makes me so mad because I spent HOURS on those stories and it's so freaking arbitrary the way she grades...) because I nearly killed myself to get them.

As for the time I'm spending with my friends, this is my last summer that I'll be able to see many of them.  Erin is going to Idaho in August, Sarah to Texas if all goes well, and next summer I'll be flung into the workforce too, thrown to the wolves as it seems and who knows where I'll be, but the odds are that it won't be in the same state as most of my friends, no matter where it is. This is the LAST summer we have together.  So, am I placing a bit more of a priority in nourishing my friendships than finding the perfect job? Well, yes.  I'm not going to pretend that they're not as important to me as finding a job, because they are.  I got up at 8 yesterday morning so I could go do the two things you always bug me to do: exercise and look for a job.  I biked down to the career center and ransacked their resources, brought in my resume so they could look it over and give me some pointers about how to improve it, and set up an appointment to talk to a counselor again at the end of this week.  I'm not just sitting in my room reading fanfiction, though admittedly, that would be a much more pleasant pastime.  I'm trying.  I'm not just dinking around, here, but I don't know how to make you understand that I'm not ever going to make my job the only thing I think about.  I care about my friends way too much to do that, or even to make it the number one thing in my consideration.  Yes, I am delighted to be in Fort Collins this summer, and that is primarily because there are people up here whom I love dearly and with whom I will be delighted to spend my free time.  That does NOT mean that I intend to neglect finding a job by any stretch of the imagination, and I sincerely intend to find one that sets me up to be writing and taking on responsibilities and working with people who can refer me to employers favorably.  If I don't get it, it won't be for lack of trying.  I am firmly convinced that God has me right where he wants me, here, this summer.  This has always been in his hands, and he's still holding the reins.  I'm just filling out the applications and seeing where he takes me.  I don't know what more you can ask of me.

So, there's why I'm frustrated.  Because I'm trying to find a balance between what I want to do all day long and what you want me to do all day long, and it never seems to be good enough.  The places I have applied to today are places that, in their postings, specifically requested emailed resumes.  That way I could, while emails were sending, work on doing some of the cleaning that needs to be done around here.  The places I intend to call tomorrow specifically asked for phone calls, and I'm planning on spending the afternoon driving down College and doing the great application collection.  Since it's nearly six, most of them aren't open now and calling would be a waste of time.  But, once I've sent out these last two resumes, and eaten some dinner, I'm going to call Troy and Jenny and see if they want to go biking in the park or something, because I've been holed up in this house all day and I need something social and not job-hunting-related or I'm going to explode.  Is that fair?

And, well, we'll see where that gets me.  Stay tuned.

-Jaya-