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The Problem of Evil
Disinterested Inquirer: So, Jaina, how was your first day back in classes?
Me: Well, you know, it's funny you should ask that...
Friends, this is going to be a very interesting semester. Because while I have General Psychology (for which I don't actually need the stupid clicker, as it has NO impact on my grade whatsoever and... frankly, I just don't care that much, though I found it laughable that he kept insisting that we'd use it for the rest of our college career, when I clearly have never had to use one in my entire college career), Intro to Media Studies (we watched the flying scene from Titanic on the first day of class. What does that tell you?), and Kirkland's WWII history class (it's Kirkland. I could not go and still get an A - I know, because that's what I did last semester too), all of which will be really easy, I'm also taking Goddess Religions.
I believe I've mentioned to the majority of parties with any interest in this little blog my reasons for taking the class. In short, one should always know the enemy very well. It's like Admiral Thrawn, for you Star Wars nerds out there - study a people's art, and you understand the people. Or, in this case, just take a class from them and see what they teach. I mean, what better way to figure out what they believe than to try to learn it from them, right? I feel like I'm a spy in that class, like I'm an interloper on a Top Secret Mission from High Up, looking to infiltrate the enemy base and learn everything I can.
You probably think I'm exaggerating. Let me assure you that I'm not. I do not belong in that class. Everything makes it abundantly clear, from the fact that (apparently) it's supposed to be restricted to juniors only (we just... won't mention that I'm a senior, because really, does it matter at ALL if I have an extra semester under my belt?) to the things we're being taught. I am the enemy to these people: a conservative, Christian woman who believes in the Bible and - lo and behold - actually reads the thing enough to know when they're lying to me. Or at least strongly suspect it. I never would have believed it before I walked in there, but I tell you truly, I was under attack for an hour in that room. Satan knew who I was and why I was there and he was doing his damnedest (literally) to undermine it - by a spiritual attack. I didn't actually think they manifested themselves like that - I didn't know I could feel like I was under siege. I didn't know that I could feel something battering at my spirit, attacking me with fear and doubt and sometimes, even terror. And yet that's what happened. I was attacked today in class.
Now, there has been one other time in which I have been attacked, and that time I fell. Or, rather, I didn't fall when I was supposed to. But that was a couple of years ago, at the Source, and the minute I realized what had happened, what I had done, I repented and swore that it would never happen again - in the future, I would rely on God when such an attack came and I would prevail, instead of trying to rely on what I thought and my own meager defense. But that attack was peanuts to this. And this time, by the grace of God, I withstood.
You all know me. You know that I generally don't mess with stuff like "spiritual attacks" and that I'm conservative enough that people who even lift their hands in worship kind of freak me out, let alone the kneeling or writhing on the floor varieties of worship. Some part of me sees that and judges it, sees it as foolish and kind of cheesy, or scary. And I may never get past the discomfort that gives me, but I do hope someday to stop being so judgmental about it. But I never would have believed me, back in high school, say. And now... there was evil in that room. Palpable evil. I don't understand it, but there it was. And that's what I get to stew in every other day, for an hour at a time, all semester. Thankfully, I have an hour before that class every day, after general psych, in which I can prepare myself - gird myself for battle, as it were. My plan is to go to the chapel on campus (which is quite a walk from the Clark building), which so far has nothing scheduled earlier than 11:30, and so should be empty at 10 in the morning - unless it takes a while to prepare, in which case I'll need a new plan. But the idea just now is to pray, to pull out a Bible and read, and do whatever I need to do in order to prepare myself for the trial ahead of me. Later, when it gets warmer, maybe I'll find a little place outside, but I want somewhere private. I don't need people interrupting me or staring at me during this time, I need to be focusing on God. It's that whole Matthew 6:6 thing - when you pray, go into your room and close the door. I don't want to make a production of this, it's for me, and it's private. The production will come later.
Now, since this is going to be incredibly long, and I know not everyone will want to read it all, I'm going to hide this (and all future) reflection on the day's lecture behind one of those handy LiveJournal cuts. If you care to read it, click on the link. Otherwise, you can go ahead and skip forward - I'll understand your not wanting to spend that much time on my journal. I do hope you'll take the time to skim it, since it has some fascinating claims to explore, but that's your call.
Now, there's something I must ask of all of you. Keep me in line. This is going to be really hard on me, walking into that class every day and having to somehow behave toward these people as Christ would have me do. To speak the truth in love - but most importantly, to SPEAK. Anyone who has had a class with me knows that I'm the quiet one in the front who never says much but always seems to do pretty well. I can't be that girl in this class. I have to speak up. That's why I'm there. And I failed pretty badly today at that, but thankfully we have journal entries due every day where I can voice some of my concerns. I plan to address the henotheistic issue in today's, which is optional, and we'll see what she says.
I'm also being indoctrinated against the Truth. And in order to withstand that, I'll need your prayers. I'll need you to call me out if I say something that strikes you as funny. Keep me accountable. I know I've got God on my side and I know he'll defend me. Part of the way He'll do that is through you - the people who know me and love me best - helping me out.
There's a beautiful irony in the Bible verse of the day that shows up on my Google desktop today. It's one of my favorites: Zephaniah 3:17. It reads, "The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." I lived that verse today, and it was amazing.
okayMe: Well, you know, it's funny you should ask that...
Friends, this is going to be a very interesting semester. Because while I have General Psychology (for which I don't actually need the stupid clicker, as it has NO impact on my grade whatsoever and... frankly, I just don't care that much, though I found it laughable that he kept insisting that we'd use it for the rest of our college career, when I clearly have never had to use one in my entire college career), Intro to Media Studies (we watched the flying scene from Titanic on the first day of class. What does that tell you?), and Kirkland's WWII history class (it's Kirkland. I could not go and still get an A - I know, because that's what I did last semester too), all of which will be really easy, I'm also taking Goddess Religions.
I believe I've mentioned to the majority of parties with any interest in this little blog my reasons for taking the class. In short, one should always know the enemy very well. It's like Admiral Thrawn, for you Star Wars nerds out there - study a people's art, and you understand the people. Or, in this case, just take a class from them and see what they teach. I mean, what better way to figure out what they believe than to try to learn it from them, right? I feel like I'm a spy in that class, like I'm an interloper on a Top Secret Mission from High Up, looking to infiltrate the enemy base and learn everything I can.
You probably think I'm exaggerating. Let me assure you that I'm not. I do not belong in that class. Everything makes it abundantly clear, from the fact that (apparently) it's supposed to be restricted to juniors only (we just... won't mention that I'm a senior, because really, does it matter at ALL if I have an extra semester under my belt?) to the things we're being taught. I am the enemy to these people: a conservative, Christian woman who believes in the Bible and - lo and behold - actually reads the thing enough to know when they're lying to me. Or at least strongly suspect it. I never would have believed it before I walked in there, but I tell you truly, I was under attack for an hour in that room. Satan knew who I was and why I was there and he was doing his damnedest (literally) to undermine it - by a spiritual attack. I didn't actually think they manifested themselves like that - I didn't know I could feel like I was under siege. I didn't know that I could feel something battering at my spirit, attacking me with fear and doubt and sometimes, even terror. And yet that's what happened. I was attacked today in class.
Now, there has been one other time in which I have been attacked, and that time I fell. Or, rather, I didn't fall when I was supposed to. But that was a couple of years ago, at the Source, and the minute I realized what had happened, what I had done, I repented and swore that it would never happen again - in the future, I would rely on God when such an attack came and I would prevail, instead of trying to rely on what I thought and my own meager defense. But that attack was peanuts to this. And this time, by the grace of God, I withstood.
You all know me. You know that I generally don't mess with stuff like "spiritual attacks" and that I'm conservative enough that people who even lift their hands in worship kind of freak me out, let alone the kneeling or writhing on the floor varieties of worship. Some part of me sees that and judges it, sees it as foolish and kind of cheesy, or scary. And I may never get past the discomfort that gives me, but I do hope someday to stop being so judgmental about it. But I never would have believed me, back in high school, say. And now... there was evil in that room. Palpable evil. I don't understand it, but there it was. And that's what I get to stew in every other day, for an hour at a time, all semester. Thankfully, I have an hour before that class every day, after general psych, in which I can prepare myself - gird myself for battle, as it were. My plan is to go to the chapel on campus (which is quite a walk from the Clark building), which so far has nothing scheduled earlier than 11:30, and so should be empty at 10 in the morning - unless it takes a while to prepare, in which case I'll need a new plan. But the idea just now is to pray, to pull out a Bible and read, and do whatever I need to do in order to prepare myself for the trial ahead of me. Later, when it gets warmer, maybe I'll find a little place outside, but I want somewhere private. I don't need people interrupting me or staring at me during this time, I need to be focusing on God. It's that whole Matthew 6:6 thing - when you pray, go into your room and close the door. I don't want to make a production of this, it's for me, and it's private. The production will come later.
Now, since this is going to be incredibly long, and I know not everyone will want to read it all, I'm going to hide this (and all future) reflection on the day's lecture behind one of those handy LiveJournal cuts. If you care to read it, click on the link. Otherwise, you can go ahead and skip forward - I'll understand your not wanting to spend that much time on my journal. I do hope you'll take the time to skim it, since it has some fascinating claims to explore, but that's your call.
Now, there's something I must ask of all of you. Keep me in line. This is going to be really hard on me, walking into that class every day and having to somehow behave toward these people as Christ would have me do. To speak the truth in love - but most importantly, to SPEAK. Anyone who has had a class with me knows that I'm the quiet one in the front who never says much but always seems to do pretty well. I can't be that girl in this class. I have to speak up. That's why I'm there. And I failed pretty badly today at that, but thankfully we have journal entries due every day where I can voice some of my concerns. I plan to address the henotheistic issue in today's, which is optional, and we'll see what she says.
I'm also being indoctrinated against the Truth. And in order to withstand that, I'll need your prayers. I'll need you to call me out if I say something that strikes you as funny. Keep me accountable. I know I've got God on my side and I know he'll defend me. Part of the way He'll do that is through you - the people who know me and love me best - helping me out.
There's a beautiful irony in the Bible verse of the day that shows up on my Google desktop today. It's one of my favorites: Zephaniah 3:17. It reads, "The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing." I lived that verse today, and it was amazing.
accomplished