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Don't mind me, I'm just being miserable...
I'm writing this mostly because, if I indulge in a good cry like I'm inclined to do, I'll wind up in more pain than I'm in now, unimaginable as that may seem. So I'm going to be absolutely, completely miserable and selfish, and you're free to ignore me. You've been warned.
I went to the doctor today (finally) to figure out what's up with this sore throat from hell. Swallowing is agonising, speaking is almost as bad, and my ear is starting to hurt too since I don't swallow as often as I should and equalize the pressure. The verdict is about as vague as it can be - tonsillitis, possibly strep but I won't know that until Monday when the results come in. They put me on antibiotics and I'm to hope I'll improve within 24 hours, though it may take as much as 72.
But I am SO DAMN FRUSTRATED. I can't even yell at Aspen, who is barking her damn terrier head off, because it hurts to speak, let alone raise my voice. I have never longed to eat a piece of bread so much as I do right now, but I know that if I were to try I would be in so much pain that it wouldn't be worth it. But I'm so sick of soup, milk and watered-down oatmeal! I can't talk on the phone without hurting myself, but people keep calling to whom I really want to talk, so I try to do it for a little while and by the end I'm reduced to speaking in grunts because they don't hurt as much.
And for all that, now I'm crying anyway, which means that it hurts to blow my nose and my throat is tightening up and I'm drooling on myself because it hurts so much to swallow. I am so tired of hurting! Why, why can I not get a moment's reprieve from this constant pain? Why can't I just be normal? When I went back to the bathroom earlier, I noticed my tongue is white from all the phlegm. It's absolutely disgusting. And I don't know how to get it off, and I don't care enough to try very hard because the only solutions I can come up with involve more pain.
Troy was over for a little while earlier but he's planned a boy night of blowing stuff up on his computer and drinking alcohol with his roommate and Nathaniel, so he didn't stay for long and I'm not likely to see him again tonight. I'm quite distressed by how much that bothers me - am I really so dependent on his presence to keep myself from such a state? Or would I have ended up feeling the same as I do now, only with him here to listen to me complain instead of typing it? God, I wish he was here. Oh, God, I'm so pathetic! What would I have done before I had him to rely on? Curled up with Jerry Bear and wishing he was my boyfriend, most likely. Is it just me, or does this seem to get worse at night? Because there were moments during the day where as long as I didn't swallow I felt almost normal, but now the chances of that are nonexistent. Same happened yesterday. I'm not sure how wise it would be to go to work tomorrow, but if I don't, it won't make much sense to go in on Monday either, and then I'll have to send in a doctor's note along with my badge and discount card and oh, it's all such a bother. For heaven's sake, can't I just STOP HURTING? Is that really so much to ask? I've loaded myself up on ibuprofen, I've tried that damn throat-numbing spray even though I know it's not going to do any good, I'm sitting here chugging milk in the vain hope that it will soothe something on its way down, and still it hurts. And I just want it to go away. I just want to curl up in a little ball and make it stop hurting. Whatever it takes. I'm probably going to have to go to King Soopers and get some NyQuil just so I can sleep tonight. But it never knocks me out the way it seems to do for everyone else. And I can't stand another night of dreaming that I'm swallowing galaxies.
Just end it now. Whatever it takes to make the pain go away, do it. Make it stop. I'm so, so sick of hurting. Just make it go away!
miserableI went to the doctor today (finally) to figure out what's up with this sore throat from hell. Swallowing is agonising, speaking is almost as bad, and my ear is starting to hurt too since I don't swallow as often as I should and equalize the pressure. The verdict is about as vague as it can be - tonsillitis, possibly strep but I won't know that until Monday when the results come in. They put me on antibiotics and I'm to hope I'll improve within 24 hours, though it may take as much as 72.
But I am SO DAMN FRUSTRATED. I can't even yell at Aspen, who is barking her damn terrier head off, because it hurts to speak, let alone raise my voice. I have never longed to eat a piece of bread so much as I do right now, but I know that if I were to try I would be in so much pain that it wouldn't be worth it. But I'm so sick of soup, milk and watered-down oatmeal! I can't talk on the phone without hurting myself, but people keep calling to whom I really want to talk, so I try to do it for a little while and by the end I'm reduced to speaking in grunts because they don't hurt as much.
And for all that, now I'm crying anyway, which means that it hurts to blow my nose and my throat is tightening up and I'm drooling on myself because it hurts so much to swallow. I am so tired of hurting! Why, why can I not get a moment's reprieve from this constant pain? Why can't I just be normal? When I went back to the bathroom earlier, I noticed my tongue is white from all the phlegm. It's absolutely disgusting. And I don't know how to get it off, and I don't care enough to try very hard because the only solutions I can come up with involve more pain.
Troy was over for a little while earlier but he's planned a boy night of blowing stuff up on his computer and drinking alcohol with his roommate and Nathaniel, so he didn't stay for long and I'm not likely to see him again tonight. I'm quite distressed by how much that bothers me - am I really so dependent on his presence to keep myself from such a state? Or would I have ended up feeling the same as I do now, only with him here to listen to me complain instead of typing it? God, I wish he was here. Oh, God, I'm so pathetic! What would I have done before I had him to rely on? Curled up with Jerry Bear and wishing he was my boyfriend, most likely. Is it just me, or does this seem to get worse at night? Because there were moments during the day where as long as I didn't swallow I felt almost normal, but now the chances of that are nonexistent. Same happened yesterday. I'm not sure how wise it would be to go to work tomorrow, but if I don't, it won't make much sense to go in on Monday either, and then I'll have to send in a doctor's note along with my badge and discount card and oh, it's all such a bother. For heaven's sake, can't I just STOP HURTING? Is that really so much to ask? I've loaded myself up on ibuprofen, I've tried that damn throat-numbing spray even though I know it's not going to do any good, I'm sitting here chugging milk in the vain hope that it will soothe something on its way down, and still it hurts. And I just want it to go away. I just want to curl up in a little ball and make it stop hurting. Whatever it takes. I'm probably going to have to go to King Soopers and get some NyQuil just so I can sleep tonight. But it never knocks me out the way it seems to do for everyone else. And I can't stand another night of dreaming that I'm swallowing galaxies.
Just end it now. Whatever it takes to make the pain go away, do it. Make it stop. I'm so, so sick of hurting. Just make it go away!
Just remember - what doesn't kill you...leaves you alive, at least.
I hope you feel better by the time this reaches you, or, at the very least, have figured out a way to feel better, regardless of whether or not you've actually utilized that method.