Jots and Tittles

But for the sake of all that's holy, WHY in the WORLD would you want to finish the semester with such a freakishly depressing book?  What the hell is this book, anyway?  Jude the Obscure is quite possibly the most depressing book in all of Victorian literature.  And it SUCKS. Honestly.  What, they don't get married just because there is some stupid rumor that their family is cursed in marriage?  It's superstition! It's a bunch of bullshit!  WHO CARES? Just freaking get married and then you wouldn't have to hide the fact that you ACT like you're married, and then you wouldn't get kicked out of every town you went to when they found out, and then little Jude wouldn't have hung himself and his siblings, and then your relationship wouldn't have fallen apart and this book wouldn't have been so damn depressing.  Why the hell are you afraid of sex when it's within wedlock, but out of wedlock it's fine?  What difference does it make, except that one will let you live in peace and one will haunt you forever. Honestly, some people cling so stubbornly to the stupidest things even when it tears their lives apart, and constantly push God away, and then wonder why their lives suck.  Well, gee, let me guess.  Maybe it's because you refused to do ANYTHING that would make your life easier!  Sheesh!  If you're going to fight, at least fight against something that matter, instead of marriage, like you're actually going to change anything.  And Jude is NOT a Job figure because Job was a pious man who obeyed God's law and Jude flaunted his disobedience.  LAME.

And maybe I'd just be annoyed with the book except I showed up for this crap.  I could be at home, writing my paper and eating dinner and doing things that actually MATTER instead of discussing a craptastic, depressing, stupid book that only serves to piss me off.  Why am I sitting here? Why am I paying for this?  What the hell!  I want to go home and eat something other than three Reese's Pieces for dinner, and relax a little before I have to go sit through a reading that I don't want to even think about, let alone attend.  And I'm going to have to leave from that early because I'm going to the Source tonight.  It's the last Source of the year (and possibly the last Source ever, depending on how things change for next year... but that is a subject for another post altogether), and I'm not going to miss it.  I'm not.  Nope. 

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh, I'm just so frustrated with this!  This book probably wouldn't be so loathsome if it weren't the end of the semester, and I might welcome the break if it wasn't for this thrice-damned book.  But the two of them together have managed to do something I never would have expected: I'm pissed.

I'm pissed off that I have to sit through this (not only that, but I have to pay for the privilege!), that I am expected to be grateful to be exposed to such idiocy, that I have to listen to people talk about this book as though it was worth discussing.  I'm pissed off that I am wasting my time here when I have ten thousand better things I could be doing with my time.  I'm pissed off because I have so many papers to write and I can't focus on anything right now because I'm too busy fuming about this book.  I'm pissed off that I have to go to readings for Creative Writing, specifically that I have to give up my precious time this evening between this class and the Source to suffer through another depressing and "modern" story, as if it would somehow help me learn to write if I would fall asleep listening to someone else read their writing.  I'm pissed off that I was so stupid as to save everything until this week even though I KNEW I would have a lot of work to do.  I'm pissed off that I can't spend time with my friends because I'm too busy doing school.  I'm pissed off that school is taking over my entire life, even if it is just for two more weeks, as if that was how the world really operated.  And I'm pissed off that all of this pisses me off, because it shouldn't.  I should be able to just let it roll off my back.  I should be able to rise above it and just plow through, deal with it, and move on.

But, dammit, NO.  I'm only human and I have every right to be pissed off right now, or at least feeling some emotion even if it is the wrong one.  If there is such a thing as the wrong one.  Whatever. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggggggggh.

My Heavenly Father:

I am lost.  I know you are good, I have not stopped believing that for a minute.  But right now, God, this kind of sucks.  And I just want it to be over, and at the same time I am truly terrified of change.  I'm even afraid of what's going to become of me this summer because while I can continue working for Rosie, I have to come up with at least something else part time.  And I don't want to kill myself with work, but I'd like to at least break even for once at the end of the summer.  And God, I'm so tired.  I just don't want to do it anymore.  I want to give up, I want to curl up in your arms and rest for a thousand years, but you and I both know that I won't because I can't give up.  So I'll run myself into the ground until all at once I realize that it's not quite so stressful any more and I can breathe again.  But now I'm giving this whole mess back to you, because if I keep trying to deal with this on my own I'll break, shatter into a billion pieces over everyone else and it'll be an even bigger mess.  And when I try to take it back, God, don't let me.  I don't really want it back even when I think I do.

Thank you for loving me and putting up with my silliness.  I don't understand it, but I am SO glad that I have it. 

Love,
Brittany

My grandpa always says, you can wade through shit up to your neck for a really long time, and even up to your eyeballs for as long as you can hold your breath.  It's time to take a deep breath and see how long it'll hold.

-Jaya-